-1, 0, 1 can sometimes feel a little oversimplified. But it is what it is. If you want a rating out of 5 stars, Google it.

Nevertheless, here are a few notes clarifying what I mean for each rating:

-1 ☹: “I’m disappointed.” This means it was reasonable to expect something better, and it wasn’t up to a basic standard or something was wrong. For coffee, this could mean it tasted watery, or over-pulled bitter, or the milk was boiled. For banana bread, this could mean it was stale, bland, or resembled a thinly sliced vanilla cake.

0 😐: “Yes, that is coffee and banana bread.” There’s nothing wrong with the coffee, but the notes of the beans aren’t bursting in my mouth. The BB is probably supplied by a mass-producer that supplies hundreds of cafes with the same, average, BB each morning. And that’s ok, there’s nothing wrong with that. A zero isn’t “zero points”, it just delivers exactly what you’d expect… and nothing more.

1 ☺: “OMG this is mind blowing!” 1 is the highest you can get – there’s nothing in-between. I want to really taste the distinctive flavour of the coffee beans. I want that BB to feel like I’m in a soft, pillowy, bananery heaven. I want something that rises above the dime-a-dozen mediocrity that sadly comprises the vast majority of cafes. If I feel wowed, that’s a 1.

⭐ Ooooh a star… Cafes with a star are personal favourites of mine. This rating is based on various, completely subjective criteria and functions independently of the -1, 0, 1. I could, in theory, star a cafe as a favourite because it has wonderful service, beautiful decor, and a lovely food menu, yet happens to deliver disappointing coffee or BB. Unlikely, but possible.

What if there is no BB? Some cafes have their own unique range of baked goods and don’t stoop to serve a humble BB. I get it. In this case I still rate the coffee and give the BB an N/A, which means I can’t include that cafe in any sort of category that factors in total score.

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